My grand adventure.

"And then there’s the sickness I feel from looking at legs I can’t touch, or at lips that don’t smile at me. Or hips that don’t reach for me. And hearts that don’t beat for me."

- Markus Zusak, Fighting Ruben Wolfe (via quotes-shape-us)

and here we go

It’s creeped up faster than I thought it would. Three months ago I joined the dep program and Monday I leave for Parris Island, SC. It will be a grueling 5 months but I’m ready. I’m ready to earn my Marine title, serve my country and better protect my friends and family with the skills I learn. I’m nervous as hell, but who wouldn’t be? I’m leaving the safest place I’ve ever known in my life and willingly going into one of the worst. I’m walking away from my best friend and others who I love dearly for almost half a year. It’s intense. But just knowing that I will come out a stronger, more courageous individual is keeping me going. I will be back before to long and will be welcomed home by an amazing group of people.

If you ask me where my hearts at, my answers with my head.

Your words hit me so much harder than I expected them to. Then the reality set in when I was face to face with her. You were right. All along for as long as I can remember, you’ve been right.

No longer can I bare this crown.

You should have known all along I would let you down.

It’s not to be expected from the words that I said.

Who knew ”I love you” could be so easily fed?

I knew from the moment I crossed that line,

I told you forever and knew I was lying.

Everything in me shaking, hearts all around are breaking.

And I can’t be there for you.

My emotions are spent, my love no longer for rent.

And you can’t be there for me.

Face to face we say our goodbyes.

Each one more lasting than you can see in my eyes.

Because when I say forever I mean until then.

We both knew if asked she would always win.

So if you ask me where my hearts at, my answers with my head.

Off in the clouds while I’m alone in my bed.

God, what I would give to be there…

I wish that I had someone that was willing to listen to me talk for hours on end. Someone un-biased. Someone who I could talk to freely and trustingly. Everything is crashing around me and I can’t handle this any longer. I don’t know what to do.

I love how at my going away party barely anyone has spoken to me.

To every lie I spout, you will always be the exception.

I don’t know how to change your opinion and frankly I just don’t have the energy to defend myself any longer. What happened?

We used to be so dangerously close, I hate what we have become.

I bow to no man.

But I fall on bended knees for my king.

Once we were blind.

And because of His love now we all see.

For His grace I am unworthly.

Every time I try to be more holy, I only feel more dirty.

But that’s the point of it all.

Why compare yourself to someone who can’t fall?

So I make my decisions.

And I cloud up my visions, with smoke and these poison drinks.

And still he loves me.

He loves and forgives the sins of the “free”.

My god, He waits.

He knows my faults and waits patiently for me.

Yours or mine

Is it my head or my heart that is torn in two?

It’s as unclear to me as it is for you.

My tounge is soaked with countless disgusting lies.

Every truth gets more faded with hearts on the line.

There is nothing more vexing than having to choose.

For all that it means is having to loose.

And I’ve never been one for those evil goodbyes.

Every foul word I spit I utterly despise.

But I keep on talking and digging this hole.

In each of your lives I try to find my role.

But I wait and I wait for some sort of sign.

Until then I’ll let you decide, is it your heart or mine?

I dare you to challenge my heart.

Me: I think I'm gonna go to sleep now.
TV: lol but good shows are on.
iPod: sleep? Is that a new app?
Sleeping position: lol I'm not gonna be comfortable.
Mind: what's the meaning of life though?
Tempurature: lol it's too hot and too cold.
Noises: oh, you said be louder? Okay.

Castles in the sand.

You say it’s hard to feel the love, harder even to let him in.

As long as I continue to fight I can’t see him being able to win.

So we trade eager words like sparks in a fire.

My twisted bitter sentences making me a liar.

But not one person has fears greater than mine.

I could loose everything at the drop of your dime.

Our dreams have been discussed, the plans have been set.

And now I wait for my wills and my wants to be met.

I could fall into nothing if you’d give me only your hand.

My shallow patience is crumbling to dust like wet castles in the sand.

It’s the wait that I hate even more than being apart.

Together we fake it and we do so with heart.

Friends are family and family is protected.

I have done some things that I’m not fond of, things that wouldn’t make a sailor proud. But the one thing nobody can say about me is that I don’t love the people that I truly care about unconditionally. I do not judge or condemn those closest to me. So before you get all pissy with me, try to understand where I’m coming from. Instead of always assumming that I’m being negative, look at the context in which im speaking. Imagine the pedestal that I put you on, high above everyone else. Someone so magically important to me. Someone for whom I would fight to the death to keep from harm. Someone of such glass to me, yet you believe that I think so badly of you. I don’t understand.

So next time, before you go to walk past me without so much as a genuine goodbye, remember how I feel about you. You’re my best friend, my hero. My best gal.